She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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