That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
