I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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