i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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