I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
