when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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