Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
