My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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