The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
