I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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