Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
