And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
