Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
