Define "chronic" masturbator.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What drink are we having for lunch?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
