Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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