I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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