Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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