i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
