...so i touched it.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
