You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
