Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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