Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
