How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
