it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
