Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
