WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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