You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
