Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
