Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
