I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
