the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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