I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
