So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
