She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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