you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
