Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
