You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
