If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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