Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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