If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
