Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
