The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
