Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My pussy is not your playground.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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