my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
