Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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