a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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