Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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