I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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