If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
