I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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