Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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