Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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