the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
