Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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