Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My liver just had a heart attack.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
