found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
