I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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